Learning to let go...

If you’ve been reading this blog for any period of time, you’ve probably surmised that I write about three kinds of lessons:

1. Those I have already learned (usually the hard way)
2. Those I am in the process of learning
3. Those lessons I desperately need to learn, but with which I am struggling.

Today’s post is about that third kind of lesson – one that eludes me at every turn.

Holding On vs. Letting Go

Ironically enough, I was just listening to the Glee soundtrack in my car and am now humming “Keep Holding On…” (originally performed by Avril Lavigne, but beautifully interpreted by the cast of Glee). [end of tangent]

“Holding on” can be a powerful and positive thing when it comes to:

• Our values
• Having hope in the face of tragedy (like a difficult medical diagnosis)
• Our steadfast love for our families and friends
• Our ability to smile and giggle and enjoy the little things in life, and
• Our belief that the world is essentially good, and that we deserve peace and health and happiness.

The ability to hold on to the things that really matter is often what keeps us grounded, sane, and able to contribute meaningfully to relationships, communities and organizations.

But “letting go” is also a virtue. One only needs to look around at the clutter in the average American home or to consider the emotional baggage that often keeps us from living happy, healthy lives to know that we have an epidemic of “holding on” to the negativity around us.

What I’m Holding Onto

They say that the first step in conquering a problem is admitting that you have one in the first place. So the very fact that I'm writing this blog about my need for this lesson must mean I’m on the right track – even if I’m very far from my destination.

My baggage is physical and emotional (though, it’s all essentially emotional in the end – even the pile of old clothing or love notes from relationships gone by).

Here’s what I’m holding onto – what’s weighing me down:

• Anger and frustration about my health (the “why me?” attitude that sometimes rears its ugly head, asking unanswerable questions about why the universe would saddle me with a rare blood clotting disorder, an autoimmune disorder, liver disease, and a stroke).


• Sorrow and anger regarding the hurtful things people have said and done to me in the past.


• Musings of dreams deferred and opportunities lost.


• Memories of bad breakups, ugly family fights, and asshole bosses whose criticisms are still taking up space in my head all these years later.


• A black, wrap-around miniskirt (size 6) that closes at the waist and hip via Velcro rather than zippers or buttons, and that carries with it very fond memories (but that also makes me feel like a failure for not still being that small, sexy, carefree girl).


• A closet full of regrets and guilt. I’m holding onto clothes in the following sizes: 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, 24 (no, I’m not kidding). It’s a Goldilocks wardrobe – most items too small or too large, and some just right. About 70% of the contents of my cavernous walk-in closet is not about the now – about my reality. This means, of course, that every morning, I traipse into the closet to feel badly about myself – though sometimes I get a momentary thrill by musing my way through memory lane (that black, scoop-neck shirt I was wearing on that special day…those tiny denim shorts I bought at Old Navy before the dot-com bust ended my career in high-tech journalism).


• Books. Oh, boy – the books. Thinking of letting them go makes me cry. We have a library in our house, and I think of my books as friends and artifacts of my life – sometimes I think of them as trophies (particularly the really difficult fiction and ancient literature I read while working on my graduate degree in English). Ironically, while the books themselves might be holding me back, I’ve read many books about letting go.

Read These Books

• Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What’s Holding You Back, by Brooks Palmer. (I’ve worked with Brooks, once in cleaning my corporate office, and once at our home. What an incredible experience. I can hear him now, asking in his calm way, “Can we let it go? Is it serving you?” If you have a clutter problem, call Brooks. You might still have enough neuroses to blog about later – like me! – but I promise it will change your life.)


• Enough Already! Clearing Mental Clutter to Become the Best You, by Peter Walsh. (In my opinion, not as powerful or inspired as the work of Brooks Palmer, but an interesting and valuable read if you’re feeling emotionally stuck – particularly in your relationships.)


• The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. Amazing. I intend to read this book a second time, to let it really sink in. If you’re not really living in the present moment, this book is for you.


• The Things They Carried, by Tim O’Brien. A book about a platoon of American soldiers during the Vietnam war. The three books mentioned above are self-help books, while this one is a novel. But it will leave you with a palpable sense of what it means to have physical and emotional baggage – how where we’ve been and what we’ve carried (physically and mentally/spiritually) can change us forever.

To their credit, without those authors, I wouldn’t be self-aware enough to even write this blog post. But I need to read them closely, and then read them again.

Public Service Announcement
I feel (worry?) that my readers who don’t know me personally or who have never visited my house must be thinking I live in a wreck. Not the case at all. Sure – I’ve got closet contents that don’t serve me, and I’ve got a stack of papers and Post-it notes strewn across my desk, and I haven’t sorted through my junk mail in over a week so it’s piling up on the island in the kitchen. But I’m very lucky to have plenty of good storage spaces in my house, so the real clutter is well hidden (from visitors, and – more importantly – from myself).

Back to My Point
I want to let go of the past, as well as my worries about the future, so that I can focus on now. Intellectually, I understand the value of making this mental shift. I just can’t quite get there.

There are perhaps three things we should all consider releasing: pipedreams (the kind that we know, deep down, won’t come true – like getting drafted to the NBA), negative emotions, and worries about what we cannot control.

At a recent conference, I heard the speaker advise the audience that we have three choices when we are presented with a situation that we don’t like:

1. Accept it
2. Change it
3. Leave it.

Simple, but powerful. Take a less-than-affectionate boyfriend or a demotion at work, for example. We can accept the change (learn to love the boyfriend for who he is and get the affection we need from puppies and friends, or accept the new role at the office as an opportunity or at least not the worst thing that could have happened). We can change it (work though the relationship problem – perhaps with the help of a therapist – or work hard to deliver results at the office before negotiating for a new opportunity at the company). Or we can leave it (pack our bags – or the boyfriend’s bags – or resign from the company and start over). But ultimately, those are really our only choices. “Holding on” to the negative emotions about a situation that we don’t like won’t help us move past it – it won’t help us create acceptance or change the situation or walk away.

Hmm. Prophecy by PowerPoint. Who knew?

So, I’m going to begin letting go. It will take work (and perhaps a lifetime), but I think it’s a worthwhile endeavor. Maybe by loosening my grip on what doesn’t matter, I can more firmly grasp what does.

(But I’m keeping the Velcro skirt.)