Learning to reconsider...

I'm not sure whether it's an American thing, a Western thing, or just a human thing, but most of us have a tendency to get stuck in our ways. From childhood, we're encouraged to be decisive -- to have strong opinions and not to waver from a stance once we've made it. But it occurs to me that the inability to reconsider -- to change our minds as our lives evolve and we learn new things -- is getting in the way of our real happiness.

Consider these words of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: "Each indecision brings its own delays, and days are lost lamenting over lost days ... What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has magic, power, and genius in it."

Right on! First of all, who can argue with Goethe? And secondly, I agree that life is meant to be lived, and that there is virtue in making decisions and moving forward. (My boss once explained this as the "bias toward action." He'd rather we kept the business moving and maybe made a decision he disagrees with, than to get paralyzed by the inability to do anything at all.) So, am I really going to suggest that it's okay to reconsider a previous decision? Yes, I sure am.

Decisiveness vs. Stuck in our Ways

I doubt that few people who know me well would say that I'm indecisive. In fact, my DiSC profile is "results-driven" and I typically measure my worth -- at the office and at home -- by how much I have gotten "done." I like to get things done -- to feel the chemical rush of checking something off the "to do" list -- at almost any cost. And "doing" typically requires deciding. So, it's fair to say that I have a lot of opinions and I use them to make my daily decisions.

But the reason I'm writing this post today is to attempt to surface an issue that no one talks about: the right to CHANGE your opinions over time. For most of my life, I've thought that "changing your mind" meant that you were fickle or weak or ill-guided (i.e., your first opinion must have been wrong, and now that you're being rational, you see the light). In so many ways, we demonize the changing of our minds -- in politics, we call it "flipflopping," and in our personal lives, we'll be so bold as to accuse a mind-changer of lying (e.g., "You're full of crap. Ten years ago, you told me that you hated country music. And now you tell me that you're going to a Brad Paisley concert? You're a sucker. Who talked you into this?")

In defense of that fictional concert-goer, I'd like to say that it's not only possible that he's developed a love for country music over the years, but that it's nearly impossible for our life's experiences not to change us (our interests, our opinions, our tastes and our beliefs) in some way or other.

Sometimes, the most refreshing thing you can do is change your mind. (And speaking of music, if you haven't rocked out to Sister Hazel in several years, take a listen to "Change Your Mind.")

Here are a few things I've changed my mind about:

1. Relationships (and my ability to be happy in one). When I got divorced in 2002, I had some, shall we say "opinions," about marriage, men, and commitment. I was pretty confident I'd never get married again, and that I'd never figure out how to be happy in that "Americana and apple pie" kind of way. But I was wrong. (I won't gush about my happy marriage and my wonderful new husband, who, in all his wonder, is still human and still sometimes makes me roll my eyes. But I changed my mind in 2006, and got married again in 2008. I had changed, and so had the world around me.) I no longer think that marriage is for suckers or that all relationships are doomed. What a refreshing change of heart (go ahead -- call me a flipflopper).

2. Success. I've had a lot of strong opinions about success. About how much of career and life success is based on luck versus hard work. And about how I should measure my own success. If you'd asked me what a successful career looked like for me back in 1996, as I was beginning my graduate studies in literature, I would have waxed philosophic about the teaching of college English and about how all great truths are found in books and classrooms. Fast-forward to today, where that literary background still serves me well, but in a capacity I would never have imagined -- business! (Shudder.) That my experiences teaching Shakespeare to 19-year-olds would have been a stepping stone to my Lake Forest MBA? Ludicrous! And yet I've never been happier, or more effective, in my career than I am now -- as a marketing director. (And yes, when I decided to stop teaching to find a more lucrative and stable job in publishing -- an evil, for-profit enterprise! -- several years ago, I felt like an absolute failure. I had told the world -- and myself -- that I was going to be a professor. Forever and ever, amen.)

3. Religion. (Speaking of amen...) They say that people's strongest opinions are often held on the topics of religion and politics. Very true when it comes to me, particularly when it comes to god (God?). I was raised without religion. That's not to say we were raised to be irreverant to the beliefs of others or to fear or scorn organized religion. It just wasn't part of our daily lives, so we were a little leery of it all. Along the way, I had some bad experiences -- including a Catholic priest in Illinois who refused to shake my hand after the service because, as a guest in his church, I hadn't taken communion or kneeled during the prayers. (That, incidentally, left me pretty pissed off about religion in general.) I was downright cynical about organized religion -- the costumes, the stained glass, the incense, the Latin (or Hebrew or whatever else is spoken wherever you worship), the power distance between the person on the altar and the people in the pews. I attended a Lutheran undergraduate college, but steered clear of the chapel. And as I grew into adulthood, I got pretty comfortable with the words "agnostic" and "atheist" (and yes, I know the difference between the two).

So, who would have thought that I'd one day respond to a Facebook ad and some direct mail for a church that positions itself as "the church for the rest of us"? And that I'd like it? I mean, seriously, it's a CHURCH. And I hate church. But low and behold, I have now gone to two services at Great Lakes Church, without anyone's prompting. Don't get me wrong -- I'm uncomfortable still. Not so much with the idea of belonging to a church as with admitting that all the disparaging things I've said about organized religion over the years might have been a little harsh or, at the very least, not applicable to every organization that calls itself a church. I have changed my mind.

Opinions are Not Values

One closing thought. I'm not advocating that everyone re-examines their long-held beliefs so often that they begin to feel ungrounded. And I'm certainly not suggesting that you toss away your values. Opinions are relative -- they are based on circumstance and experience and vantage point. So, my opinions about the Republican party might change, as might my opinions about the medical benefits of eating organic food, or whether it's more dignified to grow old "gracefully" versus coloring my hair and having an eye lift. But these opinions are not my values. The things I truly value -- honesty, compassion, wisdom -- have never changed. It's just that I'm making a stronger effort to really demonstrate the value of open-mindedness. While I've always thought of myself as someone who allows others to have diverse and changing opinions, I've never given myself the same liberty to change my mind. So, I'm going to open my mind a little wider (and I'm going to stop worrying that old friends might see me -- long-time hater of Bible-bangers -- and criticize me for singing along to a song that contains the word "Jesus" on a Sunday morning). My life is changing and evolving, and so am I.

And yes, I might even go to a Brad Paisley concert someday.

Learning to relax...

I'm 35 and I've learned a lot of things -- mostly through what you'd call "formal education." In fact, the classroom is my comfort zone. I've been a student in 40 undergraduate classes and 30-some graduate courses. And I've taught and tutored hundreds of students at four colleges. These days, I get my academic "fix" in different ways -- by working full-time in the marketing department at a business school in Chicago and by doing consulting work for colleges and universities across the country. And yet, most days I still feel like I've got a LOT to learn.

How is that possible? Maybe it's because the most important lessons we can learn in this life aren't typically taught in classrooms or through books. The really valuable "holy crap, this is going to change my life" kind of stuff comes through experience. And sometimes that experience is messy or painful or surprising. But if we're paying attention, that experience can be pretty amazing.

So I've decided to join the 21st century and start blogging. Not about what I ate for lunch or what new trick I taught my dog. But about the lessons no one ever bothered to teach us. Maybe something that I've learned will have meaning for you too.

I thought I'd start with "how to relax."

At first blush, this doesn't seem like something we'd need formal lessons on. Heck, we're all born carefree and with low levels of cortisol. But somewhere along the way, life gets stressful. For me, being busy and taking on too much was how I measured my own worth. Eventually, I was so overwrought that my life was seriously out of balance.

We all use expressions like "I really need a vacation," but then keep pushing ourselves too hard and adding meaningless things to our "to do" lists. During the past two years, I've been trying to teach myself how to relax. Ironically enough, this is a fairly difficult task.

I started with yoga. Twice a week during my lunch break at work. It took several weeks before I could focus on my breathing and on the sensation in my muscles as they warmed up and stretched. And even after a lot of practice, I still had days when my mind would wander back to project deadlines or other distractions. Sometimes I catch myself talking to my inner "me," saying "shhhh.... focus on your breathing....stop thinking about work..." My mind is a like a hamster wheel that won't stop spinning.

(For the record, I don't still do yoga at work. But I do it at home. I'm a partial yoga flunkie, but that's a long story.)

After yoga, I started taking "blink breaks," as my ophthalmologist calls them. A few times a day, I take about 30-60 seconds to close my eyes and let the muscles rest from all that computer-screen glare. I do this sometimes when I'm on the phone, or on a bathroom break, or while I'm waiting for the microwave to finish heating my lunch. If I focus on my breathing at the same time, it's like a mini session of yoga. (Okay, I get that these are baby steps. For a high-strung, "results-driven" person like me, though, these were steps in the right direction.)

Next, I decided to make a commitment to the value of vacations. This was due in large part to a little "intervention" by my boss, who suggested I read a book called The Power of Full Engagement. The book is about how to manage energy, rather than time. It tells stories of executives and parents whose lives were out of balance, and who found renewed success in their professional and personal lives once they got everything back in balance. For me, this book was a wake-up call. (After finishing this book, I picked up The Power of Now. Also, a real breakthrough for me.) So, my husband and I spent our anniversary in Napa, sipping wine and taking long walks. And we didn't allow ourselves to check e-mail or voicemail for the first four days. On that trip, we made an important commitment to each other and to ourselves -- that no matter how busy we get at work, we'll always take a week for a getaway on our anniversary -- every year, no excuses.

Why in the world is it so darned difficult to relax? For me, it's partly personality and genetics. But I think we're living in a fast-paced world that rewards busy-ness. How many times have you heard expressions like "I don't know how she juggles it all. It's just amazing."? Being overwhelmed is the price of entry for most companies, and even our friends marvel at and admire the people who haven't slept in 3 days. But I, for one, think that happiness and success don't have to come at the price of exhaustion, damaged relationships and poor health.

Until very recently, I felt guilty for relaxing. If I slept more than 8 hours in a night, I felt like I was being lazy. And going to the spa?? Really? That was for pretentious rich girls.

But not anymore. We have this amazing spa down the street called Arvasi Spa Medica -- it's a little bit of heaven. And I've been getting massages and pedicures there because I deserve it. Two weeks ago, I was getting ready for a massage from Shelbie, and I caught myself needing a lesson in relaxation. I was sitting in the "Relaxation Room" (picture a room with a fireplace and candles, pretty music, chocolate colored couches, and a "no talking" policy), and my husband was sitting in the chair next to me. We were both in fluffy spa robes and he was reading a book. I didn't know how to sit still, so I grabbed a book and started squinting my way through it (my glasss were, of course, back in the locker room). I was on the third page before I realized that I didn't have to be DOING something at that moment. I put the book down, took a deep breath, and stared at the flickering flames in the fireplace.

Once in the treatment room, I was still struggling to relax. Lying face down on the massage table, I noticed that there was a little glass bowl full of water and blue beads on the floor just below my head. I wondered why. I started hypothesizing about whether it really belonged there or if it was full of Vicks vaporub to keep clients' noses from stuffing up. I really, really wanted to ask Shelbie what it was all about. And then I told myself to just enjoy it -- it was pretty. Then I finally closed my eyes and enjoyed the massage.

Relaxing, for some of us, isn't easy. For me, it's full of guilt. I often equate it with "laziness." But at the end of the day, my health, my happiness and my true effectiveness (personally and professionally) are at stake. So I'm trying to find new balance so that I can play and rest as vigorously as I work. And I wear a bracelet that says "Balance" to remind me.

So, how can you relax too? Start with taking time each day to focus on your breathing, even if it's only by turning off the radio in the car for five minutes and forcing your overactive mind to slow down. Take a bubble bath at least once a week. Take a nap on a Sunday. Do something that truly renews you. And most importantly, listen to your body. If your body is screaming out for renewal, you'll develop health symptoms that might be subtle at first. Just listen.

A final shout-out to a woman who I think has really figured out the importance of relaxation. If you didn't see her pitching her line of products from Stress Free Kids on ABC's Shark Tank, be sure to check out what she's doing to TEACH CHILDREN HOW TO RELAX. At last, someone who realizes that the most important lessons in life aren't being taught in our classrooms...