Learning to relax...

I'm 35 and I've learned a lot of things -- mostly through what you'd call "formal education." In fact, the classroom is my comfort zone. I've been a student in 40 undergraduate classes and 30-some graduate courses. And I've taught and tutored hundreds of students at four colleges. These days, I get my academic "fix" in different ways -- by working full-time in the marketing department at a business school in Chicago and by doing consulting work for colleges and universities across the country. And yet, most days I still feel like I've got a LOT to learn.

How is that possible? Maybe it's because the most important lessons we can learn in this life aren't typically taught in classrooms or through books. The really valuable "holy crap, this is going to change my life" kind of stuff comes through experience. And sometimes that experience is messy or painful or surprising. But if we're paying attention, that experience can be pretty amazing.

So I've decided to join the 21st century and start blogging. Not about what I ate for lunch or what new trick I taught my dog. But about the lessons no one ever bothered to teach us. Maybe something that I've learned will have meaning for you too.

I thought I'd start with "how to relax."

At first blush, this doesn't seem like something we'd need formal lessons on. Heck, we're all born carefree and with low levels of cortisol. But somewhere along the way, life gets stressful. For me, being busy and taking on too much was how I measured my own worth. Eventually, I was so overwrought that my life was seriously out of balance.

We all use expressions like "I really need a vacation," but then keep pushing ourselves too hard and adding meaningless things to our "to do" lists. During the past two years, I've been trying to teach myself how to relax. Ironically enough, this is a fairly difficult task.

I started with yoga. Twice a week during my lunch break at work. It took several weeks before I could focus on my breathing and on the sensation in my muscles as they warmed up and stretched. And even after a lot of practice, I still had days when my mind would wander back to project deadlines or other distractions. Sometimes I catch myself talking to my inner "me," saying "shhhh.... focus on your breathing....stop thinking about work..." My mind is a like a hamster wheel that won't stop spinning.

(For the record, I don't still do yoga at work. But I do it at home. I'm a partial yoga flunkie, but that's a long story.)

After yoga, I started taking "blink breaks," as my ophthalmologist calls them. A few times a day, I take about 30-60 seconds to close my eyes and let the muscles rest from all that computer-screen glare. I do this sometimes when I'm on the phone, or on a bathroom break, or while I'm waiting for the microwave to finish heating my lunch. If I focus on my breathing at the same time, it's like a mini session of yoga. (Okay, I get that these are baby steps. For a high-strung, "results-driven" person like me, though, these were steps in the right direction.)

Next, I decided to make a commitment to the value of vacations. This was due in large part to a little "intervention" by my boss, who suggested I read a book called The Power of Full Engagement. The book is about how to manage energy, rather than time. It tells stories of executives and parents whose lives were out of balance, and who found renewed success in their professional and personal lives once they got everything back in balance. For me, this book was a wake-up call. (After finishing this book, I picked up The Power of Now. Also, a real breakthrough for me.) So, my husband and I spent our anniversary in Napa, sipping wine and taking long walks. And we didn't allow ourselves to check e-mail or voicemail for the first four days. On that trip, we made an important commitment to each other and to ourselves -- that no matter how busy we get at work, we'll always take a week for a getaway on our anniversary -- every year, no excuses.

Why in the world is it so darned difficult to relax? For me, it's partly personality and genetics. But I think we're living in a fast-paced world that rewards busy-ness. How many times have you heard expressions like "I don't know how she juggles it all. It's just amazing."? Being overwhelmed is the price of entry for most companies, and even our friends marvel at and admire the people who haven't slept in 3 days. But I, for one, think that happiness and success don't have to come at the price of exhaustion, damaged relationships and poor health.

Until very recently, I felt guilty for relaxing. If I slept more than 8 hours in a night, I felt like I was being lazy. And going to the spa?? Really? That was for pretentious rich girls.

But not anymore. We have this amazing spa down the street called Arvasi Spa Medica -- it's a little bit of heaven. And I've been getting massages and pedicures there because I deserve it. Two weeks ago, I was getting ready for a massage from Shelbie, and I caught myself needing a lesson in relaxation. I was sitting in the "Relaxation Room" (picture a room with a fireplace and candles, pretty music, chocolate colored couches, and a "no talking" policy), and my husband was sitting in the chair next to me. We were both in fluffy spa robes and he was reading a book. I didn't know how to sit still, so I grabbed a book and started squinting my way through it (my glasss were, of course, back in the locker room). I was on the third page before I realized that I didn't have to be DOING something at that moment. I put the book down, took a deep breath, and stared at the flickering flames in the fireplace.

Once in the treatment room, I was still struggling to relax. Lying face down on the massage table, I noticed that there was a little glass bowl full of water and blue beads on the floor just below my head. I wondered why. I started hypothesizing about whether it really belonged there or if it was full of Vicks vaporub to keep clients' noses from stuffing up. I really, really wanted to ask Shelbie what it was all about. And then I told myself to just enjoy it -- it was pretty. Then I finally closed my eyes and enjoyed the massage.

Relaxing, for some of us, isn't easy. For me, it's full of guilt. I often equate it with "laziness." But at the end of the day, my health, my happiness and my true effectiveness (personally and professionally) are at stake. So I'm trying to find new balance so that I can play and rest as vigorously as I work. And I wear a bracelet that says "Balance" to remind me.

So, how can you relax too? Start with taking time each day to focus on your breathing, even if it's only by turning off the radio in the car for five minutes and forcing your overactive mind to slow down. Take a bubble bath at least once a week. Take a nap on a Sunday. Do something that truly renews you. And most importantly, listen to your body. If your body is screaming out for renewal, you'll develop health symptoms that might be subtle at first. Just listen.

A final shout-out to a woman who I think has really figured out the importance of relaxation. If you didn't see her pitching her line of products from Stress Free Kids on ABC's Shark Tank, be sure to check out what she's doing to TEACH CHILDREN HOW TO RELAX. At last, someone who realizes that the most important lessons in life aren't being taught in our classrooms...